I Am Forever (What Kills Me) Read online

  “Hail!” someone exclaimed and a cheer rose up. I tuned everyone out and fixated on the Empress. Her red mouth smiled, but it was forced, as if she was sucking her bottom lip against her teeth.

  “Hail the blessed Divine,” she said. “Hail the Divine who went to battle for our great nation. Hail the Divine who defeated one of the terrorist leaders in the name of justice, peace, and freedom. She who protects us. She who gives us strength. Hail!”

  While the vampires clamored, I stood still. Well played, Empress.

  As she went on, I wondered if she’d known that I would return and had prepared a speech.

  “The terrorists thought that they could attack us at home. They thought they could instill in us fear and chaos and shake our resolve. But we are strong. We will defeat this evil. We will not rest until every terrorist is found and brought to justice. With the Divine, we will prevail.”

  Would this be a bad time to roll my eyes?

  Taren took his place in front of three rows of Aramatta just beneath the Empress. I assumed that he was about to speak. So I put my hand up. The Empress tensed. I caught the almost imperceptible tightening of her throat, which drew her chin in.

  I scanned the crowd, and as my arm lowered, so did their voices.

  “I have something to say,” I told them. Many had probably never heard my voice. I was glad that it was clear and without hesitation.

  “You’ve all welcomed me and given me a home here. And I’m grateful,” I said, looking at Uther. “But I did not leave the palace to go to war with the rebels. I left the palace because I found out that my human family was in danger. The rebels had taken them and I needed to save them. I killed the leader because he threatened my family.”

  Their whispers traveled around the room. I took a few steps forward and addressed the Empress.

  “And I know the truth,” I said. She didn’t blink, which infuriated me more. “I know you gave the rebels the order. I know that you agreed to release rebel prisoners in exchange for killing my family.”

  Everyone was talking now. But the Empress wore the same calm expression, the corners of her lips slightly upturned, her hands at her sides. Uther was trying to push his robed colleagues aside to reach me. He argued with them in another language. His arm batted helplessly at the air over someone’s shoulder. I didn’t know if he wanted to stop me from speaking further or if he wanted to question the Empress.

  She parted her lips and the crowd hushed. “The Divine has been deceived by the terrorists. The Divine has been a victim of manipulation.”

  “I know it was you. I know because I saw you with my own two eyes. You were wearing some ridiculous metal necklace. It looked like those protective cones that injured dogs wear.”

  Her face twitched. I imagined a hairline fracture appearing in stone. She was gritting her teeth, and her eyes narrowed. But my anger swelled to engulf hers.

  “Do you know how I saw you?” I asked her. “Because the Divine has powers that you’ve never dreamed of.”

  She stepped against the balcony. “The Divine must be mistaken—”

  “Don’t question me. I saw you.”

  Her mouth went limp for a second before tightening up. When she spoke again, the points of her fangs protruded.

  “This is what we feared the most. The enemy has brainwashed our Blessed,” she said. “The Divine has been compromised, set upon us to bring war.”

  “I don’t want war, Empress.”

  “Will the Divine submit herself willingly to the Monarchy to protect the nation?”

  “Submit myself? You mean, will I let you lock me up?”

  “Will the Divine submit herself for the safety of everyone in the race, including those she holds so dear?” She sounded like a hissing snake.

  “You can’t threaten me, and you will regret threatening my loved ones.”

  “General!” the Empress shouted. “Move to protect the Monarchy.”

  I saw Taren grab a rod from his belt. He extended it so that it became a three-foot baton. All the soldiers mimicked him, simultaneously revealing their weapons, the ends of which sparked with electricity.

  They had prepared for this.

  The crowd ignited. As more soldiers rushed in from the entrance, Lucas unsheathed his swords and backed up toward me.

  I shouted over the din. “You’re wrong, Empress. The Monarchy chose war once with the Ancients and look what it cost you. So many vampires died. So many that you cared about. I don’t want to fight—”

  “Your Highness,” Uther cried as clerics pushed him back. “Don’t do this!”

  “I am the Divine. I want to protect you all. But I will not tolerate any threat to my family. And I will not be contained.”

  “The Divine has been corrupted.” The Empress had regained her composure. She was like cold steel. “The Divine has been tainted by the terrorists and confused by human connection. We can no longer trust our Blessed to be loyal to the Monarchy. We must safeguard the nation.”

  It never mattered what I said. She wanted this all along. She wanted to use me for as long as it suited her and then confine me forever.

  “Zee,” Lucas said. It was a warning. The soldiers behind him were poised to charge.

  “Clear the way. We’re getting out of here,” I whispered.

  The Empress must have read my lips because she smiled. “Take the Divine into custody.”

  “If it’s war that you want,”—I yanked the sword from its scabbard and held it over my shoulder—“here it is.”

  The vampires started screaming.

  My body was ablaze. I gripped the handle of my sword and pressed my shoulders down. I slid my feet apart as I waited for the first rush of soldiers to reach me.

  You’re not locking me up. Ever.

  With a cry I lunged forward, and with a wide sweep of my sword decapitated three soldiers. The spray of blood speckled the faces of oncoming vampires. But before they could register the deaths of their compatriots, I ran in between them, my slices deliberate and calculated, and I took each one out with a single swing. My sword drew lines across their necks. But I didn’t see their heads fall. I was already attacking the next enemy.

  “Get off me!” Lucas growled. I turned to see him kick an attacker away; he bent backward, beheading two soldiers behind him, and then stabbed his swords into the eyes of another vampire. In that second of distraction I was surrounded. The soldiers hesitated, measuring the distance between us.

  “Come on!” I shouted at them.

  The soldiers jabbed their batons at me. I leaped up and spun, whipping my sword like a helicopter blade. I landed on the floor before their headless bodies toppled around me.

  As I rose from a crouched position, I saw Taren behind the next wave of soldiers, armed with a sword and a baton. I severed the heads of two vampires to clear a path to the general.

  Taren rushed me, his sword raised over his head. He jumped up and swung the blade down toward me. What are you doing? You’re going to kill us all.

  As I blocked his hit, he thrust the baton at my heart. Gasping, I twisted to avoid getting shocked and stumbled back. Taren batted my sword from my hands and it flew into the crowd.

  Crap.

  He stabbed at me again with the baton. I grabbed his wrist with my right hand and used my left to chop his Adam’s apple. He fell back, clutching his throat and gagging. I ran backward from the oncoming soldiers, contorting my body to escape their batons.

  “Lucas!”

  Lucas clipped a vampire’s head from his neck as if it was a dandelion bloom and then tossed me one of his swords. I caught it and immediately cut an attacker diagonally across his torso.

  Sparks suddenly lit in the corner of my eye. I jerked my head just in time, and Taren’s baton skimmed the top of my ear. He bore down on me, our blades locked against one another, and he tried to prod me again. I easily shoved him off.

  A soldier got in between us and I sheared off the vampire’s scalp. Taren stepped over the fallen sold
ier and attacked again. I countered his strikes, grabbed his collar, and threw him to the ground.

  “Back off, Taren,” I said.

  “Is the Divine unwilling to hurt the general?” Taren asked, using his baton to push himself to his feet.

  “I don’t want to fight you. And why the heck are you referring to us in third person?”

  He answered with a charge. But someone pushed me aside and met Taren with a sword.

  “I’m willing to hurt the general,” Lucas said. The clash of their swords reverberated down their blades.

  “And I’m willing to kill the swordsmith who risks the safety of us all,” Taren snarled.

  The Empress leaned over the balcony. “End this bloodshed,” she shouted.

  I didn’t know if she was addressing Taren, the soldiers, or me, but I answered, “It ends when you call off the attack.”

  The room had mostly cleared out except for a few dozen stragglers who watched in stunned silence, their hands muzzling their mouths. Uther was hysterical, begging from under a horde of clerics who held his arms and legs. Body parts lay around us in bloody heaps, and red footprints blotted the white marble.

  I tried to count the Aramatta closing in on us. But I lost count at twenty-five when three of them worked up the courage to strike.

  With Lucas’s short sword I had to get closer to my enemies to cut them. I had to be even faster. I felt frenzied. Their cold blood splattered on me and into my open mouth as I cried out with each attack. I chopped their outstretched hands off before taking their heads. I bisected their skulls before kicking their bodies free of my sword.

  This is war.

  Two vampires pinned my sword to the ground with their batons while two others flung themselves at me. I released my weapon to catch them, and together we rolled backward. I landed on one vampire and skidded my foot along his chest and under his chin, separating his head from his body. Then I jumped in between the shoulder blades of the other soldier and grabbed his forehead, snapping his head back.

  I flipped my hair from my face, which had become wet with blood, and saw Lucas and Taren trading blows, the sparks from their swords as fast and frequent as a flickering light. Taren’s collar had come undone and a wound was healing on his exposed chest.

  Lucas was right. He was better than his brother. The harder Taren fought, the more agitated he became and the more he lost control. It was as if each vibration down the shaft of his sword rendered him slightly weaker and more off balance. He was losing his stability. I could see it. San had taught me to recognize it.

  Lucas is going to kill his own brother. I have to stop this.

  I turned back to intervene but soldiers flooded the space between us. I turned my hand into a spade before driving it through someone’s chest; his insides felt like cold soil mixed with stones.

  I heard a scraping sound on the balcony and I looked back to see the Empress gripping the railing. She bared her fangs and then leaped over the balcony. She hit the ground without a sound and began walking toward me.

  Holy hell.

  Through the crowd, I saw Lucas spin and slash his brother’s forearm. Taren dropped his sword. I whipped my head toward the other side of the room. Without breaking her stride the Empress picked up a baton and tested it, the electricity reflecting in her eyes. She’d reach me before I could stop Lucas. And more soldiers were closing in.

  “Goodbye, brother,” I heard Lucas say to Taren.

  I have to stop you all.

  I pulled the knife from the holster on my thigh as the crackle of electricity approached me from behind. I looked over my shoulder and met the Empress’s eyes. I knew what I had to do.

  She must have known too because her face froze in horror. “No,” she said and broke into a run.

  Yes.

  I plunged the knife into my chest.

  The agony was explosive. It seemed to come from deep within and radiated out. It spread. It spread until every part of me hurt.

  I curled around the pain. My heart screamed. I gasped. I was blind. There was nothing but white. The pain was brash white light.

  I blinked the blurriness from my sight. I didn’t remember having fallen, but the marble floor under me was slick with blood, so that I slipped when I tried to push myself up. The jerk caused my chest to burst with new pain. It felt like my body was being torn in half.

  OH GOD.

  I tensed and slowly sat up. Then reality caught up to my brain. You just stabbed yourself. Oh my God. You just stabbed yourself.

  The entire room echoed with screams. Vampires were sprawled everywhere, writhing, moaning, grabbing at their chests for a weapon that wasn’t there. Grimacing, I scanned the bodies, those that were still and those that were gripped with spasms. I found Lucas lying next to his brother. His arm was slung over his chest, pressing his wound; his tortured groans sounded as if he was choking.

  Hang on, Lucas.

  I got on trembling hands and knees and focused on a white mass a few feet in front of me. My mouth filled with liquid and I spat saliva and blood. My wound burned with every move. Almost there. Oh God. Almost there.

  I reached the white body.

  Empress.

  I gripped her shoulder with my bloody hand and turned her onto her back. Her eyes were closed. She had bled through the front of her jacket, and the liquid had pooled on the shiny surface of the snakeskin. It ran in between her white collarbones and under her choker. I yanked the necklace off and her eyes fluttered open.

  “Axelia,” she croaked.

  With a cry I grabbed her throat.

  First you tried to kill me. Then you tried to kill my family. You’ve used me. And now you want to imprison me. I squeezed her until blood seeped out from her closed lips. You’re the epitome of evil. How could you do this? How could you do this to me!

  The Empress’s memory was so powerful that it hit me like a wave of sound and heat. Fire. There was fire everywhere. It burned my cheeks. I smelled burning flesh and hair. Voices shrieked. The sky was so black and the flames so bright.

  Dark smoke stalked the area. In a clearing a figure in golden armor approached. He removed his blood splattered helmet and tucked it under his arm. His dark hair was matted to his forehead. His eyes.... He had the palest blue eyes with ripples of white like sunlight on a pond. He reached out a gloved hand.

  “Lilith-iluna,” he said, his voice a deep bass.

  A gust of ash and hot embers blasted my vision. When I could see again, the golden soldier seemed to be floating. His feet flailed. His blue eyes were so wide. He reached for the sword at his hip. His head suddenly turned sideways and was wrenched from his shoulders.

  “ABISARE!” I hardly recognized the Empress’s scream. So high-pitched. So destroyed.

  A monstrous figure tossed the head at me. Cloaked in smoke, its tall silhouette had long arms with big claws. It laughed, the sound low and grating like rocks being ground up; I felt the rumble in my own chest.

  Its eyes. Oh my God. They glowed a brilliant blood red.

  The Empress and I gasped at the same time. I released her and snapped out of her vision.

  Those red eyes. That laugh. I’ve seen them and heard it before. In my nightmares.

  I was crying. And I didn’t know why. Her memory had terrified me and wounded me. I felt infinite loss for someone I had never met.

  But it reminded me of what the Empress had tried to take from me.

  I leaned over her and picked her up again by her neck. She gagged. I put my face inches from hers and spoke, every word causing searing pain around the knife in my heart.

  “Lilith-iluna,” I said. “I don’t want war. I don’t want what happened to Abisare to happen to anyone else. The Ancients lived for power. But I live for one thing and one thing only. My family. If you ever try to hurt them again, I will kill myself and all of you with me to protect them.”

  A red tear leaked out of her ultraviolet eyes.

  “I am going to leave the Monarchy,” I told her. “If you
come after me or anyone that I care about, I will make everyone pay. If you let me be free, I will live forever and the Monarchy lives forever. Try to stop me and I will end you all. Don’t try to deceive me. I will know that you are lying. Do you understand?”

  She stared at me, her face contorted in pain. I shook her and she coughed. “Do you understand?”

  “Yes, my lady, yes, I understand.”

  In that moment she thought again of Abisare, her king, and again I saw his severed head in her mind. I shuddered and let her go.

  I had reminded her of unspeakable pain and I knew that she was now afraid of me. I believed that she would leave me alone, if only for a while.

  I rose to my feet and shuffled away from her. I glanced at the knife in my chest. I had buried the blade as deep as it could go. The hilt was pressed against my skin. Seeing it created a disconnect between my mind and my body. It was as if I still couldn’t believe that it was there. For a moment I was numb.

  I wrapped my fingers around the handle. My wound was trying to close against the blade. When I applied pressure to pull it out, it was like stabbing myself again. I yelled and my knees buckled.

  I can do this. I tensed my body and braced myself.

  I ripped the knife from my body. I screamed until the hot pain subsided—and everyone in the room echoed my agony. I squashed my palm against my aching wound and began to limp over to Lucas. Taren was trying to drag himself toward a weapon. I kicked the sword away and stepped over him. I bent over and hugged Lucas to me.

  “Are you okay?” I asked him.

  “A little extreme, don’t you think?” he said through clenched teeth.

  “I got my point across, didn’t I?” I lifted him to his feet and maneuvered him toward the door.

  “Every vampire in the world got that message.”

  “Whatever. They’ll survive.”

  “And live to fight another day.”

  “They’re going to leave us alone now.”

  “How do you know that for sure?”

  I looked back at the Empress. She lay unmoving. But her eyes were open and bleeding tears. In the far corner Uther sat up. He raised a bloody hand as if to say goodbye. I put my palm to my chest and bowed my head.