I Am Forever (What Kills Me) Read online

  On the run. Again. And forever.

  I leaned over the bathroom sink and splashed my face and neck. The water, tinged with brown, pink, and yellow, rushed into the drain, along with black and red bits. I picked the dirt from under my nails. But I couldn’t get them clean. It looked as if I’d been digging through soil.

  My family could’ve died. What would I have done if the rebels had hurt them? How could I go on?

  I spat a mouthful of water at the tiled wall. I would not let the weakness in. I wanted the anger. I wanted it to fuel me to do what needed to be done.

  This is madness. No. I won’t run. Not this time.

  I could not accept being hunted again like an animal. I had already lived that story, and I would not repeat it.

  “Zee?”

  Lucas stood in the doorway. He came into the room and hung a black tank top and a pair of pants on a hook on the wall. “From the transporter.”

  “Thanks,” I said. I wiped my hands and face with a towel and went to him. He slid his hand across my back, scooping me into his arms. I leaned against him and rested my cheek on his chest.

  “Everything’s going to all right. Your family’s safe now,” he said.

  I pushed myself back. “No. No, they’re not. They’re never going to be safe again—not when the Monarchy or the rebels can use them to threaten me.”

  “I still have some friends who might be able to—”

  “No. I don’t want to involve anyone else. I don’t want anyone else to die for me.”

  “No one else has to die. But we need to move.”

  “We can’t hide from the Monarchy or the rebels forever. And the Empress will never let me be free again after all that’s happened. She expects me to run. She thinks I’m going to hide. But I refuse.”

  Some of the Ancients tried to hide, but the Monarchy hunted them across the globe. Other Ancients wanted to fight, and it sparked a war.

  His eyes tracked over my face. He must have seen something, maybe resolve or fury, because he squeezed my shoulders and said, “Tell me what you want to do and we will do it.”

  “I’m going back to the palace—”

  “No, Zee—”

  “They’re not expecting me. So it will be on my terms. I’m going back to deliver a message to them. I’m not going to let them repeat history. I will not hide from them. And I will not fight them—on one condition. They are going to leave me and my family alone.”

  “How are you going to do this?”

  “You snuck in there to rescue me once. Can you show me the way?”

  “Zee, they’re not going to listen to you.”

  “Well, I’m going to have to be very convincing.”

  He shook his head. “They won’t let you leave.”

  “Then I will give them their war.” My voice, suffused with rage, dropped an octave.

  He blinked, surprised.

  “Lucas, the Empress tried to kill my family. She used me. I can’t let her get away with that. I can’t let her control me anymore. I have to show her that she is not in charge of my fate. I have to show her that she can’t threaten me. She doesn’t hold the power. I hold the power.”

  He forced a smile. “You are the most powerful vampire in the world. Everyone knows it, and finally so do you.”

  “So you agree with me?”

  “I will follow you anywhere. And if it’s a war that the Empress wants, we will give it to her.”

  Lucas didn’t agree with me. I saw through his memories that he feared being separated from me again. He was thinking of when the general led me away from Nuwa’s temple, leaving him defeated and alone in the mountains. It hurt me to know how much my surrender hurt him—even if it was to ensure his safety.

  But I wasn’t surrendering this time. I was taking a stand.

  “The general has returned to the palace to coordinate a renewed assault,” Cormac said after I told him my intentions. “They’re preparing for retaliation. The Monarchy has ordered that all weapon stockpiles be shipped to nearby battle points or to the palace to prevent the rebels from attaining them. I’m shipping back a crate tonight.”

  “With bonus material,” I said.

  The shipment would arrive in the palace’s eastern wing, where we’d break out. To move around undetected, Lucas said he’d used the sewage system and service tunnels that the slaves used when they’d built the Acropolis, and then he navigated the maids’ hidden pathways in the walls to reach the ballroom.

  “The general left a battalion led by your guards to retrieve you,” Cormac said. “As soon as I’ve got you packed up, I will leave with your family. I swear to you, my lady, that I will keep them safe.”

  “Thank you, Cormac. I will be back.”

  He nodded. But I could tell by his tight lips and sad eyes that he didn’t believe me.

  I walked into the main room, where San was feeding my mother water. I waved him over and we retreated to the garage.

  “San?”

  “Yes, my lady.”

  “Would you do something for me?”

  “I would do anything for my lady.”

  “I need you to stay behind and look after my family. You took such amazing care of me, so I know they’ll be safe with you. It’s not that I don’t trust Cormac. But, you know, he bites people. And you’re like my family.”

  He started to bend forward, but I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him. “Family doesn’t bow to one another,” I told him. “Take care of them.”

  He smiled warmly. “I will protect them with my life. You will not have to worry for a single moment.”

  “I know.” I handed him a cell phone and a charger from Cormac. “I’ll call you on it when I can and I’ll meet up with you soon.”

  I hugged him and he squeezed me, lifting me off my feet.

  “Give them hell,” he said into my ear.

  “You know I will.”

  “If this was a movie,” I said, “the audience would say that they’ve seen this scene before.”

  Lucas and I were in a box in the sky again. The last time that we were shipped overseas, we thought that we were headed to salvation. This time, we knew that we were flying straight into the fire.

  “Yes. I do so much sneaking into the palace that I should start offering tours,” he said.

  But the earlier scene didn’t have these, I thought, tightening a belt loop around my thigh to fasten a sheathed knife to my leg.

  I had raided the boxes for the right weapon and found a samurai sword with an ivory handle. It reminded me of the one that Kinman had gifted to me. Kinman. If I had been strong enough back then, if I had been brave enough, I might have been able to protect you, rather than the other way around.

  I patted the bulge in the back pocket of my pants; I had a ziplock bag of cash to help me escape from Italy to France, where Cormac had arranged an extraction.

  “Zee?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Come here.”

  I went to him and sank down beside him. He put his arm around my shoulders and I nestled my head into the crook of his chin and neck.

  “Zee, I know you think you have no other choice, but we can escape. Nuwa built underground caves. I have contacts in Egypt. There are hidden hideaways beneath the pyramids.”

  I spread my hand over his heart. “That’s not it. I know I have a choice. And I choose to make a stand.” I swallowed thickly. “Am I terrified? Of course, I’m scared out of my mind. But I’m sure about this. I’m not fighting for me this time. I’m fighting for my mom and dad.”

  “Given how easily you tore apart those rebels after they killed your maid, I’d say it’s the Monarchy that should be scared.”

  I frowned. “I was out of control.”

  “You were angry. Use the anger again if they try to trap you. But keep a clear head. Remember our escape plan.”

  “I will.”

  “Are you going to kill the Empress?”

  I sucked the stale air through my teeth. “As much a
s I want to stab a knife through her heart, killing her in front of everyone would only freak the vampires out and provoke them. I’m going to lay out my terms. I’ll know if she’s lying because I can read her. If she doesn’t like my demands, then I’ll fight for my freedom.” I sighed. “Plus, I’m not sure that killing her would solve anything. It would create mayhem within the Monarchy, and then the rebels would win. I don’t know if that’s a good idea either.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be with you at every moment.”

  I turned to face him. “You’ve been with me this whole time. I’m so grateful. You know that, right?”

  “Hmm.”

  “What did I do to get you?”

  “I have no idea. You were so annoying at first.”

  “That was more of a rhetorical question.”

  “You nattered incessantly and you behaved like a toddler.”

  “Toddlers are cute.”

  “But Noel cared about you instantly. He could always see if someone was pure of heart.”

  “He was a good man,” I murmured.

  “He was a great man.”

  “He would’ve been proud of you.”

  “It would’ve killed him to see Taren like this. So cold and so...empty.”

  “Was Taren like this before?”

  “He always acted superior. Above us, even above my father. I remember thinking that he was my hero, that he could defeat any enemy. Because he was the oldest, we all looked up to him. But when I was twelve and he was sixteen—I will never forget it—I got into an argument with some older boys and they attacked us in the woods. Taren ran away. He left me. I had to fight off five boys at once. When I got home, bloody and bruised, I confronted my brother. He said that he was teaching me a lesson. He said that I had to learn to control my own temper and that if I courted trouble, then trouble would find me. He said I deserved it. I think he was teaching me to accept the consequences of my actions. I think he was teaching me to be tough. But I just felt betrayed. Things were never the same after that. It only got worse when he thought that father favored me and when I was old enough to beat him in every fight.”

  Lucas rubbed his brow. “He blames me for what happened to all of us. For what happened to my sisters—to our father.”

  “We’re all responsible for our own actions. He chose his path and you chose yours.”

  “I’m ready for him this time.”

  “What does that mean? You can’t hurt your own brother.”

  “That vampire isn’t my brother. My brother died a long time ago.”

  “But he’s your blood.”

  “I’m going to do whatever it takes to protect us.”

  “I don’t want that. You can’t put that on me.”

  “You’re not making me do anything. We choose our own path, remember?”

  How could I live with myself knowing that I pitted the brothers against each other? Especially if one of them died?

  “Zee, don’t think about this. Rest up. We have a big day ahead.”

  “No. You rest. I’m not tired. Plus, I don’t want to dream. I don’t want any visions. No spoilers. I’m going to make my own history.”

  “How’re you doing?” Lucas said over his shoulder.

  “I haven’t had blood in a while so I’m a little ‘hangry,’” I said. “And this cold, slimy water isn’t helping.”

  We were bent at the waist, moving through a brick-lined tunnel with sour-smelling brown liquid sloshing over our ankles.

  Cormac had put us on a direct flight to the palace’s shipping hangar. A forklift had carried our crate from the airplane. When all was silent, Lucas broke through our wooden carrier with a crowbar. I strapped my sword to my hip and we snuck out among the innumerable boxes stacked to the warehouse’s ceiling and disappeared beneath a floor panel that Lucas pulled up.

  He hadn’t been joking about the sewer. Luckily, vampires had no bodily functions. What floated on the surface appeared to be a nacreous, oily film.

  “We should be under the arena right now,” Lucas said.

  “How do you know about this path?”

  “My father used it to get out of the palace to visit my sisters.”

  The water receded and my runners squeaked and squelched. Lucas pointed up a metal pipe. “You first,” he said.

  “Oh, I’ve had plenty of practice crawling up enclosed spaces,” I said, thinking of the well and the prison.

  I pressed my palms and soles against the sides of the pipe to crawl up.

  I reached the top and discovered it ended in a T junction. “Which way?” I whispered. “Left,” Lucas said.

  I was like a mouse in a maze, creeping through the ducts. My knees were slimed with what looked like pea puree. My hand slipped in some sort of slate-gray, fatty goo.

  “If the vamps could only see the Divine right now,” I muttered.

  Lucas tested me again. “Tell me again how to escape.”

  “Follow the pipes downward and to the right.”

  “Until...?”

  “Until the pipes open up to big tubes of water.”

  “Then?”

  “Follow the current to the ocean.”

  Lucas nodded and paused. “Right here,” he said, pointing down. He listened for a moment. I could smell cardamom and berries. Maids were passing under us carrying wet towels after bathing someone. They were talking about having free time while the clerics held court in the main hall.

  Lucas and I looked at each other. Oh geez. The main hall. Again. How many final stands can I make in that room? At least I’ve had some good luck there. The main hall was where I’d fought and killed the previous general.

  When the maids were gone, Lucas pushed the grate out with his palm. He hopped into the narrow corridor first and caught me in his arms. As we ran down the hall, my sword rattled against my leg.

  Lucas paused, pressed his ear against the wall, and then pulled on a candelabra attached to it. A doorway swung inward to reveal an empty hallway. I recognized it—the string of chandeliers and the orange and red Arabian rugs that made it look as if the space was covered with autumn leaves. We were close to the big hall.

  Lucas rushed across and pushed on the opposite wall, which gave way. We disappeared into another hidden corridor.

  “Remember this path, Zee,” he said, not breaking his stride.

  “I will.”

  “You’ll need to come back this way. Remember, the entrances to the maids’ corridors are at the exact midpoint of any hallway. When you get back into the tunnels, remember to go toward the east. That’s to the right. Keep going and you’ll end up at the ocean. Do you understand?”

  “Yes.”

  He was speaking fast. I knew he was scared. But I was too.

  “Zee, this is important,” he said.

  “I understand. But you’re going to be with me to show me the way, okay?”

  He stopped in front of another candelabra and didn’t acknowledge my words. “Once I open this door, go left toward the open area. There will be soldiers guarding the entrance to the main hall. Probably ten of them.”

  I nodded but I was losing my focus. This is it. We’re going to do this.

  “Zee, listen to me. Once we’re in the main hall, if it doesn’t go well, they’re going to have electroshock weapons. Don’t show anyone any mercy. Take them out with one cut. Don’t let them drive you back toward the Empress. Stay near me and near the exit. If you can make a clear escape, you run. I’ll be close behind you. If we get separated, I’ll meet you in Nice.”

  It’s all happening so fast. I felt like I was about to jump out of a plane and Lucas was barking instructions at me.

  “I understand,” I heard myself say.

  “Remember that I’m here with you,” he said, reaching for the candelabra. I gripped the handle of my sword and steeled myself.

  “Wait,” Lucas said abruptly.

  He stepped up against me and grabbed the back of my neck. His mouth was suddenly on mine. His tongue cares
sed my lips. I pressed against him and kissed him back. It was cruel—feeling like there wasn’t enough time, but knowing that we could have forever.

  He pulled back, then kissed me more tenderly.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I know.”

  A puff escaped from his lips. “Really? That’s all I get? That’s kind of conceited of you.”

  “But I’m the Divine.”

  He smiled. “Yes you are. Now let’s go show everyone who you truly are.”

  I tugged on the leather strap across his chest that held his swords at his back. “You’d better not die,” I said, “because I’ll be really mad if we don’t get to kiss again.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Lucas?”

  “Yes?”

  “I love you too.”

  “I know.”

  He grinned. It was fleeting. He opened the passageway and I walked through, ready for a fight.

  The Aramatta guarding the door looked at me, at each other, and then back at me. One opened his mouth, but no sound came out. I didn’t meet their eyes or slow my stride. I just walked at them, until at the last minute they parted to let Lucas and me through.

  I am the Divine.

  I put my weight into the door and it cracked before opening.

  As I marched into the hall, the crowd gasped. They were arranged like rows in a choir along the walls. But I only saw her.

  You.

  The Empress stood up from her seat on the balcony. She was wearing an ivory snakeskin pantsuit. A four-inch-thick gold choker encircled her neck.

  Her eyes drank me in. My clothing. The sword on my hip. The knife strapped to my leg. For a few seconds, we glared at each other, waiting for the other to react. Then a wide smile spread across her face. She raised both hands to the sky.

  “The Divine has returned home!” she said.

  The vampires murmured and then they bowed. The Empress placed her fist against her chest. I saw Uther among the clerics in the corner and gave him a soft nod.

  Lucas let me move a few feet ahead of him. I stopped in the center of the hall, likely the location where I’d killed the general. I had fought him in a desperate rage. This time would be different. This time I would have control.