I Am Forever (What Kills Me) Read online

  Lucas’s words scrolled in my head like a warning on a ticker. Where is he? Was this what he meant? He spoke to Samira. And Samira is with the rebels. Did she warn him? Maybe she was trying to get us out beforehand. No. He would not have left me by myself had he known about the attack.

  The Aramatta stopped in front of an arched door. Inside, a matching archway framed a burning fireplace. The room had a gambrel-style roof, like a barn, with thick wooden beams. A chandelier made of blown glass dangled from the ceiling like a giant octopus. I walked around a rectangular pool at the center of the space, listening to the trickling water, hoping it would distract me from my internal onslaught.

  The wood and the hearth gave the room a warmer feel. Human was the word that came to mind. Except there were no chairs. The palace had minimal furniture. It was as if vampires rarely sat to relax.

  I paced in front of the fire, my dress projecting a twinkling galaxy on everything in the room. I felt my soul expanding to take in what had just happened, and I felt the push-back from my mind saying it was all too much. The Divine. The fervor. The attack.

  I wanted to run home. Back to Winnipeg where I could be a student. Where war happened on a board game. Where people threw only snowballs at me. Where things were simple and nothing beyond my family and my best friend mattered and my only responsibilities were setting the table and not failing math.

  But that life seemed so far away.

  “The Divine deceives you. She won’t protect you. She won’t keep you safe. She is an instrument of slavery!”

  The rebel’s words burned me. This was supposed to be my first display of power and I had become a victim. How could I possibly protect everyone when I couldn’t duck a few stars?

  “You worship a false god!” I covered my face, ashamed.

  “Uther?” I called when I heard slippered footsteps through the walls. They quickened and I was afraid he might trip.

  When he appeared in the doorway, I rushed to greet him. He smiled, his eyes and jowls lifting, the light of the fire bathing him in an orange glow.

  “Uther, thank goodness, you’re okay.” I went to hug him but he balked and two soldiers stepped forward to block him.

  Oh, crap. The “no touching” rule.

  “We are all so relieved that the Divine is unharmed,” he said.

  “Seriously? Uther, you’re not going to call me that, are you?”

  “I apologize if it seems strange, but this is the required etiquette.”

  I didn’t want to argue because there were more pressing things to deal with. “Have you seen Lucas?”

  “Was the swordsmith not at the ceremony?”

  “No.”

  “I am sorry. I did not.”

  “What happened out there?”

  “A terrorist tried to send the Monarchy a message by hurting the Divine.”

  “The Empress said it was a senator?”

  “Yes, the senator was a trusted member of the Monarchy. But he is a traitor, and he will be punished.”

  “How did he think he would get away with that?”

  “He had full appreciation of the consequences. He wanted to become a martyr for his evil cause. We cannot begin to try to understand the motives of terrorists, but perhaps he thought he could strike out at the Monarchy’s symbol of strength and hope.”

  I winced. “I’m sorry. I was so distracted. I didn’t even see him throw anything at me.”

  “We are the ones who are sorry. The Aramatta made sure that security was extremely strict for the ceremony. Every vampire was searched thoroughly. The terrorist wore the stars on his lapel as a brooch, which is why the Aramatta did not confiscate it.” He paused. “They would not have been fatal strikes. But they would have injured the Divine.”

  “Yeah, I don’t do well with sharp pointy things.”

  “The Aramatta has intensified the war. It will be dangerous out there for terrorists now.”

  Dangerous for Samira.

  “On behalf of the Monarchy, I apologize,” he said. “We failed to protect the Divine from violence.”

  “It’s okay, Uther. I wasn’t hurt.” And I’d rather this than be imprisoned in a box.

  “The Empress thought the Divine might need some cheer, so I’ve brought visitors.”

  I hoped that it would be Lucas, but when I smelled baby powder, I smiled nonetheless.

  Lettie bounded into the room flanked by soldiers. Her sandy brown hair was teased out into a round afro; the empire waist on her dress made her look even younger than thirteen.

  “Lettie!” I exclaimed.

  The last time I’d seen Lettie, she had a tiny knife in hand to defend herself, and she was telling me to run. Excited, I went to embrace the grinning cherub, but the soldiers and their glares reminded us of the rules.

  She bowed, her little hand on her chest. She had painted her fingernails red with black speckles, which reminded me of lady bugs.

  “I’m mentally hugging you right now,” I told her.

  “Me too.” She smiled to reveal both rows of her tiny teeth. “The Divine squeezes a little too tightly though.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know my own strength sometimes. But I’m just so happy to see you.”

  “So am I. You...uh, the Divine looks beautiful.”

  “Oh, this old thing?” I ran my fingers over the jewels.

  “I’m so glad that the Divine is safe.”

  “Were you there tonight? That was crazy.”

  “I was so worried. I was sitting high in the north section, and all of a sudden I saw the Empress just jump...”

  Uther cleared his throat and Lettie trailed off. “...I’m relieved that the Divine was not hurt,” she said.

  “I never got to thank you for helping me back at the church, Lettie. Without you, who knows what could’ve happened.”

  “It was my honor, and I believe my fated duty.”

  “Lettie is now the page for Cleric Ricci, who is now acting as the guardian of the sanctum,” Uther said.

  I nodded. “That’s good.”

  “To be honest, he’s a tyrant. I much prefer Cleric Uther,” she said, her tone one of mock flattery. “However, he has a duty now that’s much more important.”

  The squish of rubber soles announced another visitor. It was San. With his swagger.

  “Hey!” I called out.

  He bowed, a large, exaggerated sweep. I couldn’t help but meet his smile with a bigger one.

  “You clean up well,” I told him.

  He was dressed in a maroon three-piece suit, and the first two buttons of his shirt were undone to reveal a necklace with a gold bar pendant.

  “The kind cleric set me up,” he said, tugging on his unbuttoned jacket. “But the compliments should go to the Divine. You are a vision.”

  “I had a veil but it got lost in the chaos. Someone probably picked it up and is selling it for a million dollars on eBay.”

  Everyone exchanged confused looks.

  “Oh, eBay is like an online...never mind. I’m glad to see you, San.”

  “The war page has been reassigned,” Uther said. “He is now the Divine’s chaperone.”

  San straightened up as if standing at attention.

  “So he’s accompanying me to prom to prevent underage drinking or drug use?” I said.

  “A chaperone in the Monarchy serves as company around the Acropolis and at important events. The Empress noticed that the war page formed a connection with the Divine, and she wanted the Divine to have companions.”

  “She hired San to be my friend?”

  “No, as the Divine’s chaperone,” Uther said, emphasizing the last word.

  “We have to pay vampires to be my friend?”

  “No one pays me,” San piped up.

  “But they will punish you if you disobey.”

  “Yes.”

  “Be my friend or else.”

  “Yes, but I would be the Divine’s friend regardless of punishment.”

  “Wow, that’s
one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received.”

  We nodded at each other like bobble heads and then burst into laughter. In that moment I was insulated from the trauma. In the company of San, Lettie, and Uther, I allowed some of the weight to lift.

  Then over San’s shoulder I saw Lucas standing in the doorway.

  A column cast a shadow over Lucas, but I could see his face. He looked pained. His lips wrinkled as if he’d tasted bitter.

  “Lucas,” I said.

  I didn’t care if he was angry. I didn’t care what he knew. I was just so relieved.

  I brushed past Uther, San, and Lettie, desperate to close the space between us, as if the gap represented the last few horrible hours and all would be erased once we were together.

  Two soldiers moved to warn us. No way. With both hands I pushed them back into their line. I went up on my tiptoes and threw my arms around Lucas’s neck. He hesitated before crossing his arms over my back, closing his fist around my hair. The jewels of my dress dug into my skin, but he couldn’t squeeze me tight enough.

  “I’m so relieved to see you,” I said.

  “Are you all right?” he asked against my temple.

  “I’m fine. I’m just so glad to see you...”

  “I heard what happened...”

  We’d spoken at the same time, and we both pulled back.

  He dropped his hands first and I reluctantly let mine slide off his shoulders.

  “It was crazy,” I told him.

  “Were you injured at all?”

  “No.”

  Why did you leave? Where did you go?

  There was so much I wanted to say, but I heard our guests shifting.

  “Um, Lucas,” I said, “you remember Lettie, don’t you?”

  “Didn’t you try to slit my throat once with a penknife?” he said.

  Lettie curtsied. “That was I.”

  “Of course I remember. ” For a second Lucas looked faintly amused. “You’re the cleric’s page.”

  “And this is San,” I said, “my new chaperone.”

  Lucas raised an eyebrow. “I leave you for a moment and you have a chaperone?”

  He looked San up and down. San was a few inches shorter than Lucas and a little slimmer, but my chaperone wasn’t intimidated. He just smiled that smile of his.

  “So you will be seeing a lot more of the Divine’s chaperone,” Uther said.

  Are you staying long enough to see more of him? Or are you taking off?

  Lucas’s upper lip curled slightly. I didn’t know if it was jealousy or if the “Divine” reference sounded as strange to him as it did to me.

  Lucas faced me, an irritated dent between his brows. “Did you ask for him to be your chaperone?”

  He’s jealous. Thank God. “No, but I figure the more the merrier.”

  “These are the Divine’s new living quarters,” Uther said, gesturing to the archways on either side of us, which revealed more rooms. “May I provide a brief tour?”

  We descended a few steps into a living room with shiny, dark hardwood floors and plush caramel-leather couches. Potted trees pushed at the ceiling and white blooms bulged from vases. I stayed close to Lucas.

  “This is where the Divine may relax with visitors,” Uther said.

  He led us up floating stairs—wooden slats jutting from the wall without a banister.

  The sound of gentle water lapping and the smell of grass welcomed me at the top of the staircase. Uther stepped aside to reveal a bedroom that was missing a wall. It opened out onto a balcony overlooking a wooded landscape.

  “Oh my God,” I said.

  I passed the bed, my fingers brushing the white chiffon wrapped around the canopy, and stepped out onto the balcony. Below stretched a swath of green bordered on either side by trees and hedges. A lake, shaped like a kidney bean, was illuminated by lanterns.

  “Are we still underground?” I asked. Charcoal burning in two silver bowls warmed my legs.

  “Yes. These grounds were constructed for the Divine,” Uther said. “The water is heated and swimmable. The area is enclosed, without outside access, and the roof has ultraviolet panels during set hours.”

  “Can we go down?” I asked.

  “Of course.”

  I gathered my gemstone skirt and descended the stairs.

  The others lagged behind, perhaps to give Lucas and me privacy, though I knew they could probably hear everything we said. Not far behind them my three guards and a handful of Aramatta positioned themselves on the balcony, like ravens perched on a building ledge.

  The lawn shifted and sank under our feet. Walking in the grass with Lucas filled me with emotion; maybe it was the memory of meeting his family in the woods. I released a wistful sigh.

  “I’m glad that you didn’t leave,” I said.

  “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have left you on your own.”

  “You know I can take care of myself.” I paused. “Actually, that’s a lie. The Empress jumped in front of me during the attack.”

  “Who was it?”

  He doesn’t know anything. And I doubted him. Guilt pinched me.

  “Uther said it was a senator who had defected to the rebels.”

  “A senator?”

  “Yeah, and he threw these stars like a ninja and the Empress used herself as a shield.”

  “I should have been there. I should have—”

  “Oh my God, I met your brother,” I blurted.

  “What?” He stopped and turned to me.

  “Your brother Taren was at the ceremony.”

  “You saw him?” His jaw went slack in surprise; his pupils darted back and forth over my face.

  “Yes. He looks just like you. He was sitting in the first row. Then when the senator tried to use me as his dartboard, everyone in the Amphitheater freaked out and there was a stampede for the doors. Your brother helped me escape.”

  “Was he with the Aramatta?”

  “He, uh, seemed to lead them. The Empress called him lieutenant general.”

  His expression darkened as he digested the information. Abruptly he started walking again, his eyes downcast and unfocused.

  I caught up to him. “He has a protective nature like you,” I said, trying to reach him through his inner storm.

  “No, he doesn’t. He’s about self-preservation. He only thinks of himself,” he said. “He will be next in line to be the general now. That’s fitting. He’s a clone of the former general. A mindless servant.”

  I couldn’t imagine Taren acting like the previous general. I couldn’t imagine ever having to fight him, let alone chop his head off.

  “I take it that you’re not interested in seeing him,” I said.

  “I suppose I will run into him eventually.”

  “So, you’re staying then?” It escaped from my lips sounding more desperate than I had intended. Smooth, Zee.

  He threw a glance over his shoulder. Uther was explaining to Lettie and San that the Monarchy imported the trees from Canada; the hemlocks, he said, were remarkably shade tolerant. He wasn’t looking our way. Lucas leaned into me. “I still stand by what I said.”

  “How do you know out there is going to be any better?” I whispered.

  “Look what happened tonight.”

  “That was a rebel. The ones who are out there. The ones who want to use me to get at the Monarchy.”

  “The Monarchy”—he curbed his rising voice—“is using you to get at the rebels.”

  “Who are the ones throwing pointy things at my face?”

  “You’re being naive.”

  “Hey, that’s blasphemy.”

  He scowled.

  “Sorry. A little Divine humor,” I muttered. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

  “I’m not on a side. But obviously you have chosen a side.”

  Why aren’t you on my side?

  “I just want to protect those that I care about,” I replied. “And I don’t know how to
do that out there.”

  “Maybe that isn’t your responsibility.”

  “Maybe it is now.” I looked back at Uther and Lettie, who had ventured near the shore and were laughing as San took his shoes off to dip his toes into the water. Back on the deck Pavone walked out and waved dramatically, as if she was washing an imaginary window; Brogan was setting glasses filled with blood on a wooden bar.

  This is my undead family.

  Lucas pointed down at my dress. “Zee, this isn’t you.”

  How does he know who I am when I don’t even know? Overnight I became not-me—a scary undead thing that everyone wants to kill—and then suddenly I’m supposed to be this savior.

  Lucas is loyal. He understands responsibility. Why doesn’t he understand this? He wasn’t there tonight. He didn’t see the way the vampires looked at me. He didn’t see how they were devoting themselves to me. How can I turn away from them? Perhaps this is the way that Taren feels about his duty.

  This responsibility was bigger than I might ever be. I had just learned how to protect my own life, and now I had to ensure the lives of everyone else. I didn’t know what to do. But I wanted him to believe in me.

  I rubbed my forehead. “I’m doing my best to figure this all out.”

  “You forget that they murdered our loved ones.”

  “Of course I haven’t forgotten,” I said, imagining Noel. “But we have our own body count too.”

  “Dresser Pavone is requesting the Divine’s presence when convenient to change,” Uther called from near the water. San was now swimming fully clothed.

  “Okay,” I said.

  Neither Lucas nor I moved, unable to leave with so many things waiting to be said. I sucked on my bottom lip and reached for him.

  “Let’s go back,” I said, finally, tugging on the edges of his sleeve.

  “All right,” he said and pulled free from me. I let him go and watched him walk away.

  An hour later the Empress waited for me in a white gazebo at the center of a white room. The sides of the gazebo looked like delicate lace, as if the structure had been built entirely out of doilies. I picked up my dark purple skirt and stepped up into the gazebo.

  The Empress, wearing a silky black pantsuit, bowed before we sat at a small, round table, as thin and shiny as a porcelain plate.