I Am Forever (What Kills Me) Read online

  I’m going to find you. And if you’ve done something to my family, I’m going to tear you to pieces.

  I sucked the air in through my nose and it prickled my lungs. I wished the cold could numb me. Freeze my fears. I tried to tune everything out. I imagined my parents inside the house. I had a dream they were kidnapped. Did that happen? Did I somehow dream that into existence? But there was no blood anywhere so the kidnappers didn’t hurt them. Not here at least. Oh God. Don’t think that way.

  A rolling wave of fear swelled until it crashed over my head and I started to sob uncontrollably. My knees buckled and I sank into the cold. Droplets of blood hit the snow, creating red splotches around me. I couldn’t stop.

  Suddenly the snow crunched in the front yard. I shot up. I hadn’t heard anything through my own wailing. No approaching car. No engine. The shaky footsteps came around the side of the house. I squeezed the tears from my eyes to clear my vision. Mom? Dad? I listened to the person’s heartbeat grow louder.

  A small figure appeared. Could it be?

  My best friend was standing in the snow.

  Ryka.

  Ryka clutched the collar of her navy parka. Her head was capped with a white beret.

  “Tiffany, is that you?” she said.

  “Ry,” I managed to whisper.

  She took a tentative step toward me in her sheepskin boots, her gait robotic and unsteady in the snow. Her eyes scanned my body, my torn dress, my bare legs, and her lips parted.

  “Ryka, it’s me.”

  She squinted. “Who—”

  “It’s Zee.”

  “Zee?” The tension in her face disappeared and the shock appeared to stop her breath. Two seconds passed before she gasped and ran to me. She struggled through the snow as if she was running through waves, kicking up powder.

  “Zee!” she cried, throwing herself at me.

  I let her hug me, afraid to hurt her. She was so soft—and flimsy. Like twigs wrapped in cotton. Her cheek pressed against mine, and when I asked what she was thinking, a flicker of her memories jarred my brain. My mother crying. Ryka in my room and her broken voice saying, “Please come home.”

  “My God, Zee!” She peeled herself from me. “You’re bleeding.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “What?” She rubbed my face. “Just come inside quick. Come.”

  She took my hand and led me into the house. I saw San backing away from the kitchen window and then he was gone.

  Ryka sat me down at my dining table and knelt before me. Red patches spread up her neck and burned her cheeks. Tears poured out of her dark brown eyes. She smelled like herself—berries, soap, and her mother’s cooking.

  Her words tumbled out and she started to cry. “I can’t believe it’s you. You have no idea how worried we were. God, we were so worried. You’ve been gone and we looked for you and we couldn’t find you. I thought you were dead.”

  You’re not wrong.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” she said. “What happened? Oh God, look at you. Why aren’t you wearing shoes? Geez, you’re hurt!”

  She removed her mittens, stained with my blood. I had forgotten how tiny her hands were.

  “I’m fine, Ry.” It was amazing to say her name. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “You’re covered in blood,” she said. She went to the sink and grabbed a dish towel. She wet it under the tap. “What happened?”

  She tried to dab my face and I caught her hand. Even though I held it as if I was cradling a baby chick, I still must have gripped it too hard because she flinched.

  “Ry, where’s my family?”

  “What?”

  “Where are my mom and dad?”

  “I don’t know. They’re not here?”

  I shook my head.

  “I was at Raj’s and I was on the way home when I saw a strange car in your driveway and all the lights on in your house. I was coming up the driveway when I heard crying in your backyard. I thought it might be your sister. They’ll be so happy to see you, you have no idea.”

  “But they’re not here, Ry.”

  “I don’t know. I’ve come by every week since you disappeared. They never go out in case you call. Zee, where have you been?!”

  “Something...something happened.”

  “What?”

  I tried again but almost the same words emerged. “Something bad happened to me.”

  “What happened, Zee?”

  “I...I can’t explain.”

  “Try.”

  Ryka sat next me and put her hand over mine.

  “You’re so cold. Let me get you a sweater.” She got up and I grabbed her sleeve, ripping some of the stitching in her jacket.

  “No, Ry, really, I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine! You’re bleeding and in a dress in the cold and...you look different.”

  I couldn’t imagine what she saw. A bloody girl in a red silk dress with dirty bare feet. Do I look like a monster?

  “You look weird...your eyes...your—Zee, are you on drugs?”

  “What? No!”

  “Oh God, you’re on drugs.”

  “I’m NOT on drugs.”

  “Because I would never judge you.”

  “Ry, I am not on drugs. You know me.”

  “All I know is that I was afraid I’d never see you alive again.”

  And you never will.

  San cleared his throat. He and Lucas were standing in the living room. They had wisely put their weapons away.

  “Oh my God,” Ryka said.

  “No, that would be her,” San said, pointing at me. I shot him a dirty look.

  “Uh, who are they?” Ryka said.

  “Ry, these are my friends. This is San and Lucas.”

  “Hello,” San said. Lucas gave her a nod.

  “Guys, this is my best friend, Ryka.”

  I was happy to be able to introduce her to Lucas. Ryka looked them up and down and then looked at me. I knew that look.

  “Listen,” I said, “I got into some trouble and they rescued me. They helped me get home.”

  “Oh, okay. Because I was going to judge you for disappearing with two guys for three months.”

  “I know what you’re thinking, but that’s not what happened.”

  “Is one of these guys the dude you met that day, the last time we spoke online?”

  “Which dude?”

  “That gorgeous guy you were gushing about.”

  “Which guy was that?” Lucas asked.

  “Oh, no no no. That guy turned out to be really, really bad.”

  That guy turned out to be a vampire. Paolo. That vampire turned out to be my killer.

  “Plus, I found someone better,” I said. “Ry, Lucas is my...”

  I scrunched up my nose. Boyfriend? Vampire consort? “Lucas and I are together.”

  Ryka smiled. It was a beautiful, perfect grin, triggering a longing in me to see it again and to laugh with her. It made me want to go back to being just a girl with her best friend, shopping, going for gelato, talking about being roommates in university.

  “Which one is Lucas?” she asked.

  “The less handsome one,” San quipped, pointing his thumb at Lucas.

  “Well done, Miss Zee,” Ryka said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lucas. You’re a lucky man.”

  “I know,” Lucas said.

  San raised his hands. “My lady, I don’t mean to interrupt—”

  “My lady?” Ryka’s eyebrows shot up. “How gentlemanly.”

  “—but we shouldn’t stay here for long.”

  “I know, San. There were tracks on the fence and on the roof.”

  “What does he mean?” Ryka asked. “What are you talking about?”

  I put my hands as lightly as possible on either side of her arms. My hands were dirty. She opened her mouth to protest, but I quickly said, “Ry, we have to go look for my family.”

  “Maybe they’ve gone looking for you. As soon as you disappeared, your fa
ther went to Italy for a month. Maybe they took another trip?”

  “He did?” My voice wavered. I blinked against the pressure behind my eyes. I couldn’t cry blood in front of Ryka. Dad. You came to find me. I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain.

  “Just wait and maybe they’ll be back,” she said.

  “Ry, you don’t understand. I don’t think so. I’m afraid for them.”

  “Zee, you’re scaring me.”

  “This is my fault. There’s so much I wish I could say.”

  “Then tell me. There’s nothing you could say that would change the fact that I love you and that we’ll be best friends for life.”

  For life.

  “I...I think my family was—”

  There was a light thud on the roof. Only San, Lucas, and I heard it; we all looked up.

  “What?” Ryka said, searching the ceiling.

  “Wait. Shh,” San said.

  We listened as the vampire crossed to the back of the house. I ran to the kitchen, Lucas and Ryka following behind, and San went to fetch his sword. The vampire dropped into my yard. As he walked, one of his feet broke through my father’s frozen pond. I heard the splash and then cursing.

  We looked out the window and saw him shaking his leg. He was wearing a black jacket with a fur hood so I couldn’t see his face.

  “Stay here,” I told Ryka. San returned with his sword and her eyes widened.

  “What the hell?” she blurted.

  We opened the back door and walked onto the deck. The vampire flipped back his hood and bent forward, hand on his chest.

  He’s with the Monarchy.

  When he straightened up I recognized his face. It was Brogan’s brother.

  “I’m the transporter Cormac,” he said.

  “I know,” I answered. “Come inside.”

  “Who is this guy?” Ryka demanded and San shushed her.

  In the light of the kitchen he looked like Brogan, which filled me with guilt and sadness. Her memory of him, however, had been human. With his hair pulled back into a ponytail and his eyes ablaze, he looked severe.

  “It is an honor to be in the Divine’s presence,” he said.

  “What is he talking about?” Ryka looked at us but we ignored her.

  “Please, just call me Zee.”

  Clearly confused, he glanced at San and Lucas as if looking for confirmation.

  “She prefers it,” San said.

  “Thank you so much for looking out for my family,” I said. “Your sister, Brogan, gave me your updates every week. They meant the world to me.”

  “It is my duty to serve. How is my sister?”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  “Transporter, your sister—” San began.

  I stepped forward. “Brogan was helping me escape from the palace,” I said. “It was under attack by the rebels. And...she was killed.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I’m so sorry, Cormac.” I failed to protect her.

  His chest seemed to go concave and he staggered back. Ryka covered her mouth, her eyes sad for this stranger.

  Cormac shook his head. “No. I just heard from her.”

  “It happened last night,” I said.

  “No,” he repeated.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I considered her my friend. She was loyal and caring.”

  “Brogie,” he whispered. He wiped his hand down his face. “Did...did she suffer?”

  I shook my head. “She was thinking of you.”

  “I was so short with her on the phone,” he murmured. “I sent her a cell phone and we left each other voice mails every week. The sound of her voice always...”

  He turned away and cleared his throat.

  “She wanted me to tell you that she loved you very much,” I said.

  As if carried by a wind, Cormac drifted to the back door, teetered, and then leaned against the glass. He slid down to a crouching position and hung his head between his knees.

  I ached inside. The steady tick of Ryka’s heart marked the passage of time like a metronome.

  “I know this is a terrible time, Transporter, and I am sorry for your loss,” Lucas finally said. “But this is of some urgency. We are looking for Zee’s family.”

  Cormac rubbed his eyes. “Of course, of course. I’ve watched your family from afar,” he said to me. “Last night I was on the roof of a neighboring home when a van pulled up. Two rebels got out, knocked on the door and went inside. Another rebel brought a large box into the home and a few minutes later, they carried the box out.”

  It can’t be.

  “What?” Ryka blurted.

  “Oh no.” I grabbed Lucas’s shoulder, my mind a mess. “I saw this.”

  “What do you mean?” he said.

  “I saw this. But months ago. I was asleep.” Did I dream it into reality? Or was this a horrible coincidence?

  “Zee, you’re not making any sense,” Lucas said.

  I walked away from them and leaned on the kitchen counter. “Last night? Oh no.” I whipped around. “My sister won’t last two days without her insulin! Where did they take them?”

  “I don’t know,” Cormac said, “but there is only one den in the city. We might start there.”

  “We have to go now,” I said.

  Ryka stepped in my path. “Zee, this is screwed up. First you go missing. Then you appear here in the middle of the night with these guys and you all look like you’ve escaped from the prom from hell, and he has a really big knife and everyone’s talking crazy and now this guy is saying people took your family—”

  “Ry, I know this all sounds insane but—”

  “We need to call to police. You’ve gotten yourself into some sort of trouble and—”

  “You need to listen to me,” I said, trying to move around her.

  “—and your family is gone and—stop for a minute, Zee. I said, ‘Stop!’”

  She gripped my arms and I think she tried to shake me but instead rattled herself.

  “No, Ryka. I need to go find my family!”

  A vehicle roared onto my street. It took the turn without braking and accelerated toward us.

  San and Lucas left the room and were back in seconds. Their faces said it all.

  “We have to go,” I said. I grabbed Ryka’s sleeve and pulled her toward the back door.

  “We won’t make it with her,” San said. He had already drawn his sword.

  No.

  “Cormac, run,” I said.

  “Meet me at the ruins.” He spoke quickly. “Do you know where the Trappist monastery is?”

  “Yes,” I answered. “Now go.”

  He disappeared out the back door.

  A van had pulled into my driveway. As the door slid open and soldiers poured out, I turned to Ryka.

  “Listen to me very carefully. Extremely dangerous people are coming for us right now. Don’t say anything. Stay behind me at all times. I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you understand?”

  Ryka nodded and the vampires came through the door.

  Taren walked into my kitchen with a squadron of soldiers behind him. My three guards stood to his right.

  The shock of seeing his brother caused Lucas to lower both his swords for a few seconds. Taren glanced briefly at his brother, then focused on me. He put his hand to his chest.

  “The Monarchy is relieved that the Divine is safe,” he said.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. How did you know I was here?”

  “The jet has a GPS. The Empress flew a battalion out immediately to retrieve the Divine.”

  “I appreciate that, Taren.”

  “The Divine may refer to me as the general—if she wishes.”

  Lucas made a snorting noise and Taren ignored him.

  “Congratulations,” I said.

  “Now, might the Divine come with us so that the Monarchy can protect her?”

  “I appreciate your concern but I can’t do that right now. The rebels have taken my family and I
need to find them.”

  “Please leave the matter to the Aramatta and we will take care of everything. It is not safe for the Divine to be—”

  “The Divine is not going anywhere with you,” I said through my teeth.

  His eyes narrowed. I suspected he shared Lucas’s dark disposition. But if Lucas was fire, his anger always ready to flare, Taren was endless water, calm on the surface but with a bottomless capacity for danger.

  “The Divine puts the entire Monarchy in peril by being outside of our protection,” he said. “The terrorists wish to take you for their own nefarious plans.”

  “Tell the Empress I promise to return once I find my family,” I said.

  “The Monarchy is the Divine’s family.”

  “She’s not going with you, brother,” Lucas said.

  “This has nothing to do with you, Swordsmith,” Taren replied. I bristled at the impersonal reference.

  “I strongly advise you to step away from the Divine,” Taren continued. “My orders are to return her to the safety of the palace.”

  “If you haven’t noticed, the palace isn’t safe,” San said.

  “The attack has been contained. Come, it is time to return home.”

  The guards stepped toward us and I stepped back, brushing Ryka behind me. Her ragged breath blew against my neck.

  “We must take the Divine back now,” Taren said. My guards unholstered their stun guns from their belts.

  “Oh no, you didn’t,” I told my guards. Lucas moved in front of me.

  “Step out of the way, Swordsmith,” Taren said.

  “You’re going to have to come through me,” Lucas said.

  In response Taren unsheathed his sword. “Don’t challenge me.”

  “I see you still have the sword that father made you,” Lucas said bitterly.

  “I do.”

  “He’s dead, you know.”

  “I know.”

  “Not that it matters to you.”

  “Father made his decision to part with the Monarchy long ago.”

  “You’re still the same. Selfish and egotistical. Always looking after yourself.”

  “And you’re always courting disaster.” Taren shook his head. “You’re hundreds of years old and you’ve yet to mature.”