I Am Forever (What Kills Me) Read online

  The Monarchy is protecting me. They could never blame me. Even if I’m wrong.

  That was the deepest cut. I killed Robert with my foolishness.

  “It was an accident, my lady,” Uther said. “An accident with consequences.”

  How many people have died because of me?

  Uther kept his gentle tone. “You never meant for this to happen, and I am sorry that you must grieve.”

  “When did he die?”

  “Earlier today.”

  “By sunlight?”

  “Yes.”

  “The war master was there?”

  “He was at the trial, yes.”

  “I broke his arm.”

  “You were upset. You needn’t think any further on the subject. The war master understood your anger.”

  I’m not sorry.

  When I’d lost it with the war master, everyone had appeared terrified, as if they were stuck in a cage with a lion. My guards, for the first time, had facial expressions. And guns.

  “My guards had their guns drawn, Uther.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “My three guards. They were pointing guns at me.”

  “They were?”

  “Yes.”

  “They must have been very frightened.”

  Are they here to protect me or to protect everyone from me?

  “How could they shoot me without hurting themselves?”

  He rubbed his hands as if warming them and appeared to be measuring his words, so I braced myself for unpleasant news. “The guards are there to protect you, my lady. But they are also there to make sure that you do not do harm to yourself.”

  “What?”

  “They will defuse a heated situation with any means possible to make sure that you are not injured. Thus, they are armed with stun guns.”

  Stun guns? “Like I’m a wild animal who needs to be tranquilized?”

  I pushed myself back from the table and left. My thoughts muffled Uther’s protests.

  What am I doing here?

  I dragged my feet to my room and out onto the balcony. I stepped off the ledge and dropped onto the grass. I counted my steps across the landscape—127, 128, 129. I kept walking to the lake and didn’t stop until I was underwater. I was so heavy with guilt and heartache that I sank straight to the bottom.

  “Oh dear. No princess was this miserable before a ball,” Pavone said.

  She balanced a palette of colors on her palm like a waitress.

  No princess has ever been guilty of murder and lost the prince before the ball even began.

  “I cannot do this.” She brushed the hair from her shoulders as if swatting away a fly.

  “What?”

  “I cannot see your beautiful face appear so dejected.” She pouted. “Tell me what I can do to make you smile.”

  I sighed. “It’s not you, Pavone. I’m just...I’m just not feeling well today.”

  “How long do you think you will stay unhappy?”

  “Until the cows come home,” I muttered.

  “Well, where are these cows? I can send the maids out to get them.”

  I smiled. “No, not real cows. Proverbial cows.”

  “Whatever kind they are. The Divine should have whatever she needs to be happy.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re going to put a damper on your own party.”

  “I’m a damper...Actually, I’m a ‘dampire.’”

  She sniffed. “Honestly. I’ve never seen the Divine look so blue.”

  “Not since I told you that I’d never wear that blue dress again,” I said with a wink.

  She tickled my nose with her makeup brush. “Now, there is the Divine that I know and adore.”

  As Pavone painted my face, I tried to relax. It was hard to do without any physical markers. No breathing to control. No heartbeat to slow. The silence of my body only made my mind louder.

  I had fooled myself into thinking that this place was safe. The Monarchy would always be dangerous. But would the outside world be any better? I had also fooled myself into thinking that I belonged here. But the whole time my own guards were watching me. I had trusted them and they’d never trusted me.

  Uther said that I had a responsibility to the race. It couldn’t be just about me anymore. I had to assume the responsibility—but I had no control. For the first time I felt like a puppet. They dressed me up and dangled me at ceremonies and funerals and rituals.

  Maybe Lucas is right. I have to talk to him.

  At least no one could ever lie to me again. I opened my hand and thought about touching Pavone. She was admonishing a maid about the wrong box of lipstick shades. Then she grinned at me. “So lovely,” she murmured.

  The visions only seemed to work when I had a question in my mind. But when I looked at Pavone, I had none. I believed in my heart that she cared about me. That’s what was so confusing about this place. There were vampires here that I trusted. San. Brogan. Even Uther, who had made a bad call not telling me about Robert. We were all in the same scary, perilous boat.

  “And just a bit of shine,” Pavone said, dabbing a clear glob onto my bottom lip with a brush.

  She backed away, sighing loudly as if she was yawning. “Exquisite.”

  One of the maids brought in a black garment bag. Pavone unzipped it to reveal a red gown.

  “Let’s put this on, shall we?”

  Uther knocked on the door after I had dressed. San was with him. I could hear him bouncing on the balls of his feet.

  “She’s ready,” Pavone said.

  The door swung open.

  “Oh my word, my lady,” Uther said. He bowed. “You’re a vision.”

  I turned to Pavone. “I love this dress. Thank you.”

  It was the simplest and most elegant gown Pavone had created. It was made of lustrous red silk with a fitted bodice and braided straps that crossed my back. The soft fabric hugged my hips and then flared into billowing cascades.

  San clutched at his breast. He was wearing a black tuxedo. “Heart-stopping, my lady.”

  “Very funny. Your heart stopped long ago.”

  “Then the sight of you is enough to jolt me back to life.”

  “You gentlemen look wonderful,” I said with a curtsey. I tried to pick up my skirt, but I was wearing white gloves and the silk slipped from my fingers. “Where’s Lucas?”

  “The swordsmith is still getting dressed,” Uther replied. “He said to go on without him.”

  “Okay,” I said, disappointed.

  My guards led the way, their three pony tails wagging. They were wearing gold sashes, as if they were beauty pageant contestants. I glared at the stun guns clicked to their belts. Just try to use that one day on me. Try it.

  “My lady,” San said, “I am actually feeling shy around you.”

  “Oh geez, San, stop.”

  “If it wasn’t sacrilegious, I might ask you to dance.”

  “Yeah, and then my guards might try to electrocute you.”

  I could hear the music and the voices long before we arrived in front of the huge double doors to the ballroom. I could smell burning candles, fresh flowers, and a mix of perfumes. The high cleric was introducing me to the crowd.

  “This is your night, my lady,” San whispered. “Enjoy it.”

  It was snowing glitter. Tiny, sparkling ribbons floated down from the ceiling.

  Every inch of the ball room twinkled. Crystal chandeliers. Silver candelabras. And of course, the guests. The female vampires were draped head to toe in sequins and diamonds. Jewels hung down their bodies. Gems dotted their faces. Their dresses seemed painted on their perfect forms.

  The ballroom was circular, with a mezzanine that wrapped around the room. On the ground floor, a brass band played at the center of the dance floor on a round stage. As we walked a lap around the mezzanine, the vampires bowed.

  The Empress greeted me by the staircase. Clad in a tight, diamond-covered gown with a trumpet skirt, she looked like a shiny, b
arnacle-encrusted mermaid. Her short hair was slicked back and her white cheeks blushed.

  “The Divine looks magnificent tonight,” she said with a shallow bow.

  “Thank you.”

  She gestured to the vampire on her left, a dark-haired female with so many golden coins around one eye that they formed an eye patch. “This is the new senator for South Africa.”

  “It is an honor to be in the presence of the Divine,” the senator said. Her stiff silver dress resembled a piece of origami folded around her body. “I devote my life to you.”

  Through the crowd Lettie waved at me, so I excused myself.

  “Lettie!”

  “The Divine—”

  “Lettie, it’s fine. Just call me Zee.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Mental hug,” she said, picking up her navy chiffon skirt and curtseying. Her hair was gathered in a fluffy bun at the nape of her neck, like a rabbit’s tail.

  Another adolescent vampire with a blonde pixie haircut nudged her from behind.

  “Zee, this is my friend, Merrill.”

  “Hi, Merrill,” I said.

  “I’ve heard so much about the Divine. I can’t believe that I’m meeting you. You’re so amazing.”

  She spoke without pausing so her three sentences sounded like one. Her two front teeth were large, like a gopher’s. She was wearing a flowing burgundy gown with rubies sprinkled across the bodice like spilled pomegranate seeds.

  “It’s nice to meet you too,” I said.

  “Come on, Merrill. Let’s leave the Divine to enjoy the party,” Lettie said and dragged her away.

  I descended the stairs from the mezzanine, searching the crowd. For a room of revelers, they were rather reserved. No raucous laughing or wild dancing. Just polite chuckles and demur head bobbing.

  The singer, accompanied by a pianist, began a ballad, and the vampires dispersed, leaving only couples on the dance floor. When the guests moved away, I spotted Lucas.

  I was thrilled and weak at the same time. He wore a black suit and a black shirt without a tie. He scanned the room, looked at me, and then did a double take. His eyes moved down my body and he withdrew his hands from his pockets.

  I waited for him to weave his way through the crowd.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Hello,” he answered.

  Because I was standing on the bottom step, we were the same height.

  “So,” I said, “do you come here often?”

  His expression was relaxed, almost tender.

  “You’re beautiful,” he said.

  It surprised me. It softened my muscles. It occurred to me that maybe he was just being kind before he killed me with his departure.

  “Thank you,” I said, tucking a curl behind my ear. “I’m glad you came tonight.”

  “I came because you asked.”

  How about if I asked you to stay?

  I looked over his shoulder at the swaying vampires. “Should we dance?”

  He stared at me, as if looking for the answer on my face; he then took a step back and presented me with his hand. I placed my gloved fingers in his palm and he led me onto the floor amidst the gawking guests. My guards positioned themselves at the base of the staircase.

  “Maybe they want to join us?” Lucas said.

  I pictured us all playing ring-around-a-rosy and laughed. He slid an arm around my waist and held my hand. I followed his rhythm, lulled by the movement as we shifted weight from one foot to the other.

  “I’ll bet when you met me,” I said, “you never thought we’d be dancing together at the palace.”

  “When I met you, I thought you were crazy. You were dressed in a schoolgirl’s outfit and wrapped in chains.”

  “Weird, I was going to wear that exact outfit tonight.”

  He rewarded me with a half smile.

  “Are you all packed?” I asked.

  “I have nothing except my swords, and the cleric returned them to me earlier.”

  “So Uther knew you were leaving.”

  “He did.”

  That explains how extra gentle he was today. “Where will you go?”

  “I don’t know. I should return home. Close up the house. Maybe visit Samira.”

  The reference to the old girlfriend pricked me. “It won’t be the same without you here.”

  “You won’t even notice that I’m gone, what with your movie marathons with the war page, your training, your photography, and all of these glitzy parties.”

  “That’s not true. Who’ll antagonize me?”

  His eyes were wistful. “You’ll be all right here. You have a lot of supporters who will look after you and guards to keep you safe.”

  “I thought you said it wasn’t safe here.”

  “Maybe I was wrong. I see you here. You smile every day. You deserve that.”

  The mournful whine of a saxophone changed my mood. Lucas must have sensed it in my posture because he stopped moving.

  “Lucas?”

  “What is it, Zee?”

  I was scared that he’d walk away. I wanted to tell him so. But I was equally afraid that he would reject me. So I just started with half of the truth.

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Of what?”

  I chewed my lower lip; my lipstick tasted like soap.

  “I don’t want you to leave,” I whispered.

  He pressed his hand into the small of my back and drew me close to him. I could’ve stayed here, on the dance floor, against his body, for the rest of eternity.

  He spoke into my hair. “I don’t belong here, Zee. You do. You should stay.”

  Are you saying that you don’t belong with me?

  He rested my hand against his heart, and then very gently he brushed my chin with his finger. I looked up, searching his eyes.

  I need you. I need to know if some small part of you feels the same way.

  “Don’t worry,” he said. “You’re going to be fine.”

  “No I won’t.”

  I grabbed his lapel and pulled him to me for a kiss.

  I wrapped my hands around his neck and pressed my mouth to his. For a second he was frozen, rigid. Then his lips parted and molded to mine. His hands slid across my back, hugging me to him, and I melted against his body.

  I heard the crowd murmur. But I didn’t care.

  I had never felt such powerful emotion. It was like quenching an eternity of thirst yet feeling as if I’d never be able to drink enough. It was like life had instantly changed—there was before this kiss, and after.

  Do you feel this?

  I closed my eyes and a flicker of images appeared behind my eyelids. Visions of me. Reading by the lake. Walking along a deserted highway after our car accident. Laughing in the hot tub in Taiwan. Beautiful portraits of me.

  His memories of me.

  The flip book of pictures finally settled on me, my hair whipping around my head, with the Taiwanese mountains and greenery as the backdrop. Tears rimmed my bottom lid like eyeliner, but my expression looked determined. Lucas reached out, grabbed me, and wrapped me in his arms. My hair smelled like the forest. When he released me, I saw myself walk up to the former general on Nuwa’s veranda. I thought I had acted bravely, but I looked terrified, unsteady and trembling.

  Lucas watched me leave with the soldiers. The temple was quiet except for the whistling wind and the sway of trees. Then Lucas spoke to himself. “I won’t let the Monarchy kill anyone else that I love. I’m coming for you.”

  I broke away from our kiss, gasping. I had plunged so deeply into his memories that returning to reality was like being wrenched from a sea and dropped on dry land.

  “Oh my God,” I exclaimed.

  Lucas blinked, as if he was awakening from a dream.

  “Oh my God,” I repeated.

  “What?”

  “You love me,” I blurted.

  “I...what?”

  I grabbed his lapels and gave him a shake. “You l
ove me, don’t you.”

  His mouth was agape. “How—”

  My body was on fire. Shock. Elation. “All this time I thought you didn’t care about me.”

  “How could you think that?”

  “You were leaving. Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I...” he shrugged, flustered, not denying it.

  I started to laugh and wetness tickled the corner of my eyes. “I’m so relieved.”

  “Well, I’m glad that one of us feels good now.” His arms fell away.

  “No,” I said, grabbing his hands. “I’m relieved because...”

  Just say it.

  “...I love you.”

  The tension vanished from his face. I watched him absorb the information, and I laced my fingers through his.

  “I was afraid to say anything,” I said.

  “I didn’t know,” he said at the same time.

  “Why are you leaving then?”

  “Because you seemed better off without me. And because I truly believe that you belong here. You’re happy, and I want you to be happy.”

  I haven’t been happy. “Maybe I belong with you.”

  He slid his hands from mine. “I cannot stay here, Zee. That hasn’t changed. I have no place here.”

  I won’t let them separate us.

  Before I could speak, a waiter stopped beside us. He had a black, wet comb-over, a long oval face, and a thin, plum-colored mouth. He stood so close that his chest was almost touching my arm.

  “My deepest apologies for the interruption,” he said, “but would the Divine like a drink?”

  “Uh, no thank you.”

  The waiter grinned, his lips rolling under like shades and disappearing. There was something wrong. It was the way he was looking at me. He opened his arms as if to embrace me. Behind him the band finished its song.

  “Leave us—” Lucas began.

  Then came the explosion.

  An orange fireball burst from the stage. The earth roared and retched. Everything was airborne. Bodies. Instruments. Glass. A wave, like a giant’s fist, hit me and threw me back against the staircase.

  Darkness.

  But my eyes were open. I knew because I was blinking, my eyelashes rubbing something. I tried to move but a limp form held me down against the marble stairs. I shoved the body off my face. The waiter. He rolled to the side. He was talking. But I couldn’t hear anything. A high-pitched ring screamed in my ears.