I Am Forever (What Kills Me) Read online

  You jerk. I crossed my arms. “Then why don’t you teach me something instead of just criticizing me all of the time?” I said, my voice rising, my pent-up emotions bursting through the gate.

  “I think you have plenty of advisers already.”

  “You’re barely talking to me,” I snapped. “And you disappeared when I needed you!”

  His face suddenly went slack. I had hurt him. He spoke haltingly, his teeth chewing his words as he chose them. “I am truly sorry that I was not there. It upsets me that I failed to protect you...”

  I regretted saying it. I knew it reminded him of how he had failed to keep the Monarchy from killing his sisters.

  “...but you didn’t need me anyway,” he continued. “You have guards, soldiers, the lieutenant general and your precious chaperone to protect you.”

  “My precious chaperone?”

  He turned away.

  But I do need you. I always need you.

  Before I could speak Uther came into the room.

  “I am sorry to disturb you, my lady,” he said. He must have heard us and was coming to defuse the tension.

  “It’s okay.” Uther, you had awesome timing when you stopped the soldiers from killing Lucas and me. But this is crappy, crappy timing.

  “I am turning in for the day,” he said, “and I wanted to know if you needed anything.”

  “I’m fine, Uther, thank you.”

  “All right, my lady. Please rest, as you need to recharge yourself.”

  “I’m going to lie down,” Lucas said.

  Wait. We’re not done. He avoided my gaze and walked by me.

  “Fine. Me too,” I said. I stomped on the first stair so hard that it came out of the wall.

  “Oh!” I covered my mouth. I then swatted the air before stepping up on the next stair. “Bah, whatever!”

  I paced my room. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to crawl into a dark place. I didn’t know what I wanted. I felt bruised and shredded on the inside. The person here that I cared about most was slipping away. Yet I couldn’t grab him because I was carrying an impossible weight.

  The well. Noel. The general. The senator’s attack. The ritual. It’s all too much. I feared that one more thing would break me beyond repair.

  I stood at the front door of my home, listening to the chime of our doorbell.

  My father answered the door. His face was gaunt; the skin under his eyes was purple and puffy. For a second, maybe half a second, he looked hopeful. His bushy eyebrows lifted, his mouth opened.

  Dad. I’m home. I’ve missed you. Oh God, I’ve missed you.

  I didn’t realize just how much until I saw him. And it broke me. I wanted to say his name. So he wouldn’t be afraid. So he would know it was me in case I looked different.

  It’s me.

  But instead, his brow pressed down on his eyes. Suspicious. Angry.

  “Who are…” he started.

  A shadow shoved my father inside. A burlap sack thrown over his head muffled his cry. The figure lifted my father off his feet with one hand and dropped him, as if picking up and tossing laundry.

  Vampire.

  My father’s legs buckled and he crumpled onto our welcome mat, a bag of moving bones. He groaned.

  “John!” my mother called, high-pitched and panicked from the kitchen.

  No no no no no.

  Something dropped into the sink with a clang and my mother rushed into the foyer. Another vampire intercepted her, enveloped her in a bag, and hoisted her over his shoulder.

  Oh my God. Oh my God. I was frozen. Horrified, I could only scream and watch as if invisible chains tied me down.

  I heard a gasp and looked up. I met my sister’s eyes. She had just come out of her room, her hair mussed, an earbud dangling from one ear. She stood frozen at the top of the stairs, looking over the railing.

  Tiffany.

  We both screamed at the same time.

  RUN!

  A vampire leaped up from the first floor and grabbed the railing. Tiffany reeled away and fell. As he swung himself up and over, she crawled to her feet and dived into her room. I ran up the stairs. No. There’s no way out there.

  Sprawled on her stomach, she crawled under her bed. But she was so loud. Her pounding heart. Her rapid breath. The tick of her tears onto her arm.

  STAY AWAY FROM HER.

  The vampire bent over, grabbed her ankle, and dragged her out shrieking and clawing at the carpet. He forced a bag over her head and bunched it at her waist, trapping her arms against her sides. He then carried her out of the room as if she was a duffel bag.

  Downstairs the vampires had brought a big wooden box into the foyer. “Who are you?!” my father cried through his canvas mask.

  They picked him up and dropped him into the box. They then put my mother in beside him. She was sobbing unintelligible words. They laid my sister on top of them and shut the lid.

  Don’t do this. Stop. STOP.

  Suddenly I was inside the box. In the darkness I could hear my father yelling. My sister twisted herself to take the weight off my parents. They rattled against each other.

  LET US OUT.

  I slammed my fist into the wood, and all of a sudden cold water rushed against my skin. I gasped and it filled my lungs. Water? Had they filled the box with water? Or had they dropped us in the ocean? My family would drown. They would die.

  Arms wrapped around my waist. Tiffany? I hugged her back. We were underwater. She dragged me against the darkness. Up and up until we broke the surface. I coughed up water.

  “Tiffany!” I cried.

  “You are all right,” she said in a voice that was not hers. “You are all right.”

  It was Brogan. Her knees knocked against mine as she treaded water. She hugged me to her side.

  “No, where’s Tiffany?”

  I pushed myself from her. We fell apart with a splash. “Tiffany! Mom!”

  “My lady, you are dreaming.”

  “They’re in a box. They’re stuck in a box and it’s under water.”

  I dove under and blinked against the grayish liquid. I could see to the bottom. I saw nothing. Just packed dirt and sand and rocks. I breached the surface again.

  “Where’s my family?” I shouted.

  “My lady, you are having a nightmare.”

  What?

  Over her shoulder, across the field, I saw the balcony to my bedroom. All the lights were out. I remembered going to bed. I didn’t remember coming outside.

  “I was dreaming...?”

  “You were sleepwalking, my lady.” In the dark her hair looked like seaweed.

  “I saw my parents,” I said. My nose burned, and tears burst from my eyes. “Brogan, I saw my mom and dad. I was in Winnipeg at home with my family.”

  I jammed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets and started to sink. She reached out and grabbed both of my shaking shoulders to keep me afloat.

  “Oh God, I miss them so much. It hurts. It just hurts.” I forced down the knob in my throat. “I need to know they’re okay. I need to see them.”

  Her eyes flitted to the balcony. Hurried footsteps—maybe it was San and Lucas or soldiers—came up the stairs inside the room. Brogan leaned into me.

  “Your family is fine,” she whispered. “I know. My friend saw them.”

  I jerked back and away from her with a splash. “Where?”

  “At your home. They are well. Please don’t be upset, my lady. I was going to tell you but I was waiting until the right time."

  She had a tiny voice, like a mouse. And she was speaking so fast.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “My friend is in Canada. When I saw that you were so worried about your family, I asked him to check in on them.”

  “What? Where—how are—” the questions clogged my mouth. I momentarily stopped treading water and started to sink. Brogan barely moved, her chin skimming the surface.

  “He found their house from seeing them on the news.
They miss you. Your father is at home with your mother during the day. Your sister is still taking her schooling.”

  Dad isn’t working anymore? “Did—did he talk to them?”

  “No. He just watched. He said your father went for a walk around the block.”

  He goes for walks every day after work. The same route every day in case we ever wanted to find him. My sister and I would sometimes leave after him and catch up to him on our bikes. He’d point out the stately homes and coiffed yards. “Look at how green their lawn is,” he’d say. “I should mow our grass tonight.”

  I sniffed hard. “When did your friend see them?”

  “The other night.”

  Did he throw them into a coffin? “Who is your friend?”

  “He is good and trustworthy. Neither of us have told the Monarchy, and they mustn’t know. The Monarchy watches my lady very closely, but there are no listening devices or cameras in the water so this is our secret. My friend can continue to watch them and provide news of their well-being. But we must be discreet. We will only speak while swimming.”

  I wrapped myself in the information like it was a blanket and let it smother the panic. I wanted to believe they were okay.

  “Why did you do this?”

  “Please do not be upset, my lady. I wanted to relieve your pain. I know the anguish of being far from those you love. I give my word that my friend is true. He will make sure they are well and report back.”

  Lucas and San led a group of vampires across the field. Brogan floated from me. “We cannot speak of this again unless we are in the water,” she whispered.

  As if curtseying, she dropped, the water rising over her nose, her eyes on me, and then bobbed up.

  “Thank you,” I mouthed, and she swam away.

  “Zee?” Lucas called. I crawled back to the shore. Lucas and San jogged up to me, their faces tight with concern. I wiped my hands down my cheeks.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Are you all right, my lady?” San asked.

  “I had a, uh, wet dream.”

  San laughed. “Good thing you cannot drown, my lady.”

  My lilac nightgown was like cling wrap against my body. I tugged the light fabric free from my butt and then hugged my arms across my chest when I realized that Lucas and San were staring.

  “Uh, can all of you look away right now?”

  Everyone averted their eyes except San.

  “San?”

  “Hey!” Lucas said, striking San in the chest with the back of his hand. San smiled and bowed.

  San, why do you have to antagonize him like that?

  “Let’s go inside,” Lucas said and walked away.

  In my room my maids peeled the dripping dress off over my head and cloaked me in a robe. After they had gone, I sat at the foot of my bed and stared out over the balcony. “This is why sleepwalkers need walls,” I murmured.

  Alone in my room I was haunted by my mother’s sobs. I knew of no other sound as heartbreaking. The room blurred and the edges of my vision filled with red. I dropped forward until my tears bled onto my knees.

  Someone touched my trembling elbows. Lucas perched on the mattress behind me.

  “Hey, hey,” he said gently.

  I rubbed my face. “I...I just miss my mom and dad. You know? I dreamed that vampires were attacking them and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just felt so helpless.”

  His eyes were sad. It was sobering. No one knew this feeling more than he did.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Sorry for being a baby. Sorry for reminding you of what you’ve lost too. All I do is hurt you.

  “I used to have nightmares,” he said. “Terrible ones. Samira called them my ‘demons.’ They abated for a while. But they’ve started to come back.”

  “What do you dream about?”

  “My family. I see them in trouble and I can never get to them. They die in front of my eyes. I see their faces when I’m asleep, when I’m awake. That, I suppose, is my punishment for failing them.”

  You didn’t fail them. You did everything you could. It was hard to see him vulnerable, especially when he was my pillar.

  He rubbed his finger hard against his hairline. “It’s this place,” he whispered. “It’s poison.”

  He’s going to leave. The thought was like a scream.

  Before I could stop myself, I turned and crawled across the bed, startling him. “Lucas,” I said, sitting on my heels. I swallowed. “Stay with me.”

  “What?”

  “Please. Stay with me.”

  “To—tonight?”

  Tonight. Forever.

  “No, I mean here. I know what you said earlier. But I want you to stay with me here.”

  I knew I was being selfish. That I was on my knees, tear-stained, asking him to do something that he did not want to do. Asking him to stay here and continue to suffer.

  But I couldn’t handle the thought of him leaving me alone. Maybe it will get better. He just needs some time. We both do.

  “Zee.”

  “I’m begging. The lady is begging.”

  He shook his head but he held my gaze. “I don't know, Zee.”

  “Please?”

  “This isn’t the place for us.”

  It could be.

  “I need some time here to figure out what my new role means,” I said.

  “If you stay here, the Monarchy dictates your role, not you.”

  “Give me a little more credit, please.”

  “I’m not trying to insult you, Zee. I’m just worried.”

  “I’m worried too. But running isn’t the answer. Give me a chance to see if I can make things right.”

  “I need to think about it,” he said.

  “Can you think about it here?”

  He sighed. A white flag. I knew he was about to give up and I rushed in to pressure him over the edge.

  “Come on,” I said. “You have forever. Just give me a few weeks. That’s like a blink of an eye for an old man like you.”

  He looked away. At the starkness of this room. Out over the balcony. I leaned into his line of sight. “Lucas?”

  “I will stay as long as I can,” he said finally.

  I exhaled. “I’ll take it.”

  I fell back onto the bed, emotionally exhausted. This was all too much. Tears leaked out of my eyes.

  I had to figure out how to live. How to be the Divine. But Lucas wanted no part of that. Would I have to give him up? Like vampires had to give up their human families and friends?

  How could I ask Lucas to live here when I didn’t know how to do that myself?

  Uther had said, “You write your own story. You determine what the legends will say.”

  I had to do this. I had to figure out how to live this life and how to protect everyone.

  I thought of Lucas’s mantra for me. Be brave.

  This is my story.

  “You look full of life today, my lady.”

  I spread my floral skirt under me before sitting at the table across from Dr. Femi.

  “I’m so sorry I’m late,” I said. “San and I got caught up shopping in the Acropolis.”

  “Were you shopping for the upcoming grand ball?” she asked with a smile.

  “No,” I said. I combed through my curls with my fingers and pushed them off of my shoulders. “Pavone said she’ll take care of our wardrobes for that. We went out because I wanted to pick out a new lens for San’s camera. I accidentally crushed his old one.”

  “I saw your photos in the gallery a few weeks ago, my lady. They were outstanding.”

  “Thank you. I’m still getting the hang of the new settings on my DSLR.”

  A butterfly fluttered in between us. The flick of its wings were like the snap of fingers. Its eyes gleamed like two black pearls.

  “Beautiful,” I whispered.

  Dr. Femi and I had started having our sessions in the Monarchy’s botanical garden. The smell of lilies invigorated me. I liked the heat, the m
oisture, the life. It reminded me of my mother’s garden.

  “You seem particularly at peace this evening. What is on your mind, my lady?”

  During our swim earlier that night Brogan had delivered the latest report regarding my family. It had been about two months since that day in the lake when she first told me that her friend would watch them for me.

  My father had finally returned to work. My sister had gotten a scholarship for her final year of university. Ryka had come over this past week so my mother could help her hem a dress to wear to a friend’s wedding. It made me both happy and sad that they seemed to be finally moving forward without me.

  These were signs of real life. And real life seemed to be unfolding for me here.

  The days and nights were filled with appearances at ceremonies and rituals. Uther was teaching me human and vampire history. San and I trained every day; I had to be extra careful not to hurt him and I learned to limit my growing strength. I had taken up photography again—my passion when I was human—and I was learning to play the piano.

  “I had a good day,” I told Dr. Femi.

  “Are you having anymore nightmares?”

  I shook my head. That was because I no longer slept. I didn’t need to—and besides I hated the nightmares. The last time I’d slept, I had a messed-up dream about Lucas. In it I was faced with the decision of whether he should live or die. I woke up bawling.

  Lucas.

  Every day he became more distant. Every day he spent more time away, quietly training or wandering wherever. Every conversation we had left me more and more sad.

  Part of me believed that Lucas made the decision to leave that night in my room after I went sleep-swimming. He was just waiting for the right moment to tell me.

  I still cared about him. But it pained me to think that he didn’t return my feelings. And maybe I had tried to distract myself with activities.

  None of this I wanted to talk about. But Dr. Femi was perceptive.

  “You haven’t mentioned the swordsmith lately. How is everything between you two?”

  “Oh. Not so good. We’re not really connecting.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “A lot has happened. And people evolve. Maybe he doesn’t like who I’ve become.”

  “Do you like who you have become?”